People like to share this stuff, so I thought 'Why not bore the masses with my own resolutions?' But here's the twist, I'm not going to bore you with resolutions of a personal nature. After all, who wants to read my promises to stop cyberstalking
Cherie Priest, to stop writing '
Gus' stories, and to leverage myself into a Paul Abbamondi
comic strip? Instead, I will make this directed to writers and the readers who like to read those writers.
My resolutions:
1) Each time a writer uses the phrase 'like so many...' they will lose one finger to my cigar clipper. 'Like so many snowflakes falling.' 'Like so crying children.' It's a weak phrase and it annoys me. Bah, humbug.
2) The next time a read a horror book where the protagonist (or antagonist) is driven to nefarious actions due to daddy issues, I will use that book's pages as tissue paper. I'm on a hot streak with this one. Most horror novels and many of the horror shorts I've read recently are rooted in daddy issues: daddy beat me, daddy berated me, daddy ignored me, daddy died, daddy groped my mommy, daddy likes to wear a diaper, on and on. I'm convinced that many successful horror writers had bad daddies, and that is unfortunate and rather depressing.
3) This next one refers to audio books only. I cringe whenever a male audio narrator does a female characters voice. Stop doing that. Publishers, I know talented voice actresses are expensive, but you're really doing your books a disservice. Enlist that fresh-out-of-Wellesly intern you have doing coffee runs to do the female voices. Trust me, it'll sound better. Do it, or I make a resolution to stop buying audio books.
4) Fellow Lexingtonian and the man behind
Fark.com, Drew Curtis, has this theory that 90% of the news rotates on an annual cycle. He cites things like the weather, holiday news, usual hot-button issues like terrorism, etc. Let me add to that the argument that "Short fiction is dying." Every year it pops up. Is short fiction dead? All the magazines are dying! Print paper is going to be extinct in ten years! The next person to raise this argument will have his/her face mashed painfully into a flat screen monitor panel and then whacked on the back of the head with a double issue of
Asimov's. Enough already.
5. I make a resolution to remain the arch-nemesis of the USPS.